Starting a blog has pushed me to write more and honestly it’s a struggle. There is something that keeps me from doing it and I can’t help but see it as spiritual warfare. Every time I finish writing, it is as if a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe a bit clearer, but getting started is such a push. I ponder for a while about what to write, having so many ideas but no landing point to start. Once I’ve decided what I want to write about, I feel an immense pressure to perform perfectly, make the words on the page flow smoothly and land strongly. I then start to worry about how much sharing is too much and would sharing too much turn the focus of this blog on to me instead of God’s goodness in the renewal of a life.
I have mentioned in multiple posts that I would eventually share pieces of my story that have made me the woman I am now, but the worry is still present. I don’t want this blog to be about me but how can I share God’s unfailing love without sharing how He has yet to fail me in the valleys of my life? In the beginning blog post I had acknowledged there is a stigma around over sharing and because of that, I feel as if I must preface all of this before telling you pieces of my story. As a teacher, I know one of the best ways to learn is by example and this is precisely my intention (even Jesus taught through story telling). Each piece I tell you is not to draw your attention to my journey, rather to give you an example of how God worked in my life so you can see Him working in yours. SO let’s begin sharing….starting with how I got to Texas.
It was 2020 and the Covid Pandemic was just beginning to shut things down. I had recently got my masters in education and was long term subbing in a second grade classroom while working at my other favorite place to work, The Press Cafe in Livermore CA (If you ever visit Livermore, this is the place to be). I had grown up in this small town that I didn’t recognize anymore. I couldn’t afford to live there without working my life away and I felt this pull to move. So I moved. Within two weeks of living in Texas without a plan other than living off savings, God moved and he moved fast. I did a zoom interview for a teaching position my ninth day living in my empty apartment and was in the classroom the next week teaching in a new grade, in a new state, during a time where we believed setting plastic walls around desks would keep germs from spreading. I still look back on that year wondering how I didn’t get a bit of whip lash by how fast God moved. And yet He wasn’t even remotely finished. In hind sight I now see this “pull” as God’s voice telling me He had a plan that needed to be set in motion through my move.
But I want to pause here to tell you I didn’t always view my journey to calling Texas home this way. I would look back at the past years and see a lot of tears cried alone, mistakes made, pain felt and wonder why I decided to take a leap of faith. Looking back at my journey was something to avoid if I wanted to dry any tears and keep moving forward.
In the Bible, there are a couple of passages that talk about looking back, but what is confusing is how sometimes it is good and sometimes it’s bad. In Genesis 19:26, Lot’s wife looked back at the city she was fleeing from after being told not to and turned into a pillar of salt (this doesn’t sound good). Apostle Paul even writes for us to not look back in Philippians 3:13, “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead”. But there is a shift in perspective about looking back in Deuteronomy 8:2 where Moses tells the Israelites to look back at God’s unfailing love and remember how God led them through the desert. We are even taught to look back every time we take communion, “Do this in remembrance of me…” 1 Corinthians 11:24–25.
So is it good to look back at the past or not??
Here is where I dove deeper, naturally starting with a word study…
The Hebrew word for “looked back” in the story of Lot’s wife is nabat meaning “to look intently, regard, scan, or gaze with focused attention and longing”. Lot’s wife didn’t just look back, she looked back with a desire for the earthy things she lost. She looked back in longing, clinging to her old life and filled with the regret of moving forward.
In contrast, any time in the Bible where God commands us to look back in remembrance, the Hebrew word used is zakar meaning to look back with intention. The intention here is to recall something as a means to push you forward. And this is what we want our review mirrors of our lives to reflect….a zakar type of reflection.
In Isaiah 43:18 God instructs us to not dwell on the former things because He is doing a new thing. It’s hard though. The enemy loves to swoop in when we feel lost and have us look back at the past with longing eyes, which is exactly why we have to have a purpose for looking back. And what is the purpose of looking at our past? To see God’s orchestration in our past days as a motivator for seeing how he could possibly be working in our present.
I look back now, seeing God’s provision in my move. Fast forward to the present, my sister moved out here and met the man of her dreams (you’re welcome haha), my dad moved out here and was able to receive a life saving surgery that doctors in California wouldn’t do, and my family has become stronger in their faith after becoming regulars at a Bible teaching church here in Texas (even getting baptised as a family this past year). There are even more ways God used my move to continue the outpour of his love but I’ll pause here.
The point is this, sweet friends, God’s been orchestrating your life with such love-filled provision. In the midst of moving forward it is ok to look back, just make sure it is with the purpose of seeing HIS goodness as a motivator to whatever your present and future are holding.
And with that I pray
God, I pray you tilt my rearview mirror to see your divine workings in my past. Help me not to dwell in the ‘what if’ or the longing of what was known and help me to embrace the path you have set before me. Let every possible tear I cry today be a seed for your goodness in tomorrow. Fix my eyes on your unwavering love as I walk into my future and help me to hold hope knowing if you were orchestrating that much then, you are orchestrating even more now.
A thankful daughter,
Kylie
Psalm 77:11 “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old”
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