A quick jot of thoughts…

Just a quick jot of thoughts….

I struggle sometimes to write down my thoughts because I want them to come out perfectly, as if they are about to be published as a novel.  I want what I write to be eloquent, to be impressive, to flow correctly.  I didn’t journal for quite a while because of this internal pressure.  But that’s not what journaling is about. It’s about unraveling the thoughts inside your head.  Kind of like when your necklaces get all tangled up in a ball so you lay it on a flat service to try and find any strand that could possibly lead to unraveling. (or maybe that’s just me not being very organized haha) 

Anywho…I decided today to write something that has been on my mind without slaving over trying to make it “perfect”.  So here I go…

As you may have read in the “About Little Miss” page, I have a history of highs and lows in the battle of mental health.  I could count the therapy sessions I have attended like the grains of sand on a beach, and have experienced the comfort of a hospital bed for months at a time.  Throughout that journey, I anchored myself on the quote “God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers”.  I have no idea where or who it came from but I would recite that quote like it was the largest bumper sticker on my car.  Although it was my favorite quote, it was also my greatest distresser.  In the midst of the dark times I would cry out to God asking him why I, out of all the people in the world, had to be deemed a “tough soldier”.  Why did I have to be given this path when others seemed to be so much easier?  I was tired of being “strong”.  Someone else needed to fight for me.

 …. And that, my friend, is exactly the reason why I stayed in darkness fighting for so long.  I was trying to fight the battle myself.  I was validated through secular counseling telling me that all I needed to do was use some coping skills and practice ‘opposite action’.  But the more I tried, the more I would continue to fall short of healing.  But I believed God gave this mission to me to figure out because I was “tough” and should be able to get through it, so I kept trying.  This yoyo effect just made me feel worse about myself.  

It really wasn’t until now that I realized maybe it wasn’t God’s plan at all.  The path I walked to get here could possibly be because God craved my closeness to him and I wouldn’t budge. I assumed I had to do it myself to prove my faith, when in reality, faith is all about letting go. I was the one prolonging the heartache when all He wanted was for me to release it all to Him.  So maybe I was interpreting the quote wrong?

“God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers”

Maybe, just maybe, He allows the hard battles to be fought by the “toughest” because it is actually the toughest that are farthest from Him? 

Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage…” I stared at this verse for a while and the word “take” stood out to me.  You can’t take something from someone unless you are in close proximity with them.  In order for us to receive strength, we have to be CLOSE to Christ.  The word “take” also points out that we don’t possess courage ourselves, we have to RECEIVE courage.  

With this in mind, could the valleys I experienced possibly be used to show me how I can’t do it alone? That I am in fact not as tough as I think I am?  Could these valleys possibly be meant to break those who believe they are strong so that they finally stop trying to control? The heaviness felt just might be meant as a push so you finally give it all to the one who makes all things new. 

Looking back now, I can see how God was crying out for me to just release it all to Him.  I can only imagine the joy he felt when I finally did.  

So I pray,

God thank you for the path you allowed me to walk.  Thank you for the dark times that pushed me towards you.  Thank you for not allowing secular simple fixes to work long term because without the failures I wouldn’t have finally released my battle to you.  

And God, I pray you continue to break us in a way that transforms our mindsets from “I have to fight” to “Lord fight for me”

Your little warrior,

Kylie