The girl before

To my fellow girls before,

A few months ago I found out (or saw on good old social media) that my ex (and I say ex as in the man I lived with and thought I was going to marry) got married to the girl he met after me.  It looked like a beautiful destination wedding; everyone together, her in a white dress and him in a suit.  But looking at the picture, I didn’t recognize him, I wasn’t attracted to him, and he didn’t give me the butterflies I once felt.  I didn’t have the anger I expected to have, I didn’t have a want to be her, or to stand where she was standing.  I didn’t want to hold his hand again or to relive the good moments we had together.  I just stared in shock or maybe more of a numbness; not fully understanding why I was seeing the man who told me he wasn’t “into marriage” standing with a ring on his left hand and a beautiful woman on his right.  

Some would say this is a numbness of protection.  A wall put up to protect a previously broken heart.  Frozen.  This picture became a crossroad.  At that moment I had the choice to give it to the enemy or to give it to Christ. The pull to give it to the enemy was immediate in my mind.  You see, I have learned that the devil speaks in questions and loves to marinate you in doubt, eventually stealing, killing, or destroying (John 10:10) any hope you have left.  It personifies the picture as if it has the power to control me instead of me having control over it.  

It started like this: What does she have that I don’t have? Am I ever going to be enough for anyone? Will I always be the other woman? Am I just too much? Am I chasing after a false dream of a godly marriage and family? 

Friend, Do you see it? The tone of uncertainty being spoken? Question after question snowballing into the ultimate avalanche of self-doubt.  A very intelligent tactic if you ask me.  Questioning is a very easy form of distraction (just ask any parent with a child going through their “why phase”). In a way, we never really grow out of it, the difference is in the root of the questions: Curiosity vs self-doubt.  A child asks “why” with the goal of learning and growing, it’s said with an underlining tone of excitement with light in their eyes. But my questioning was far from child-like.  My questioning was rooted in self-doubt.. It had a goal of unlocking and judging every flaw with-in myself; not to grow but to sink deeper into self-loathing.  My questions were ending in a question mark but were definitely stated in self-judgement.  

This is why God calls us to have a CHILD-LIKE FAITH.  One where questions are spoken with excitement for the future, not judgement from the past.  So as I sat at this crossroad of a picture with questions swirling in my mind, I had a choice to decide what this numbness would become and the more I sat, the more I listened.  Whose voice am I hearing? I realized this numbness I felt wasn’t a wall at all, it was a blanket of peace.  A Phillipians 4:7 kind of peace. 

The type of peace that “PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING”;  where Apostle Paul tells us how this peace will “guard the hearts and minds of all believers.” This is the pinnacle of Christian teaching and the greatest gift of faith.  

This numbness I felt wasn’t really numbness at all, it was comfort.  It was God welcoming me to give it to him, not to be passive, not to question my self worth, not to marinate in self-doubt, but to STAND FIRM IN THE BELIEF OF THE ONGOING PROCESS of good HE is working through my life that brings a blanket of peace to my soul.  This picture of my ex and his new wife was not a stone to be thrown at me, rather it was an invitation to ACKNOWLEDGE HIS GOODNESS IN ALL THINGS. 

Life changes, but HE still works good into my story.  Letting go of the hurt and thanking God for the journey is where this tranquility lies.  Not in me logically making sense of the situation, but bringing it to God and surrendering my control.

So with that surrender, I pray. 

I pray in thanksgiving God closed that door to open up better ones for all persons involved.  I pray in comfort that I will continue to walk through life with a blanket of peace.  And finally I pray in hopefulness, knowing HE has good plans.  I eagerly await my future with that child-like faith HE calls us all to have. 

And I PRAY SWEET FRIEND, that you do the same….that when you are at a cross-road of confusion you are able to discern between the enemy and God’s voice.  That you choose to surrender and welcome  the peace of mind Paul tells us about.  A peace that passes all understanding.  You’ll know what it is when you feel it too 🙂

I‘m excited for you. 

A fellow woman before,

Kylie